I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
