last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
