I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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