All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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