can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
