my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
