Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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