People with herpes should wear stickers.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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