he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
