i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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