wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
