I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Buhtt sex?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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