never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
