Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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