My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
