never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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