I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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