i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
