Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
