Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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