I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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