Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
