it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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