proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
