Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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