Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
