Im at strip club and am horny
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
