I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
