just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
