just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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