I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
