I hate your face
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
