My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
