just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
