Your tits are I can't wait for
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
