you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
