The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
