don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
