U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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