if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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