Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
