We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
