I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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