it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
