How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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