This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
