Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
