P.S. I can't hear my feet
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
