last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
