some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
